Chapter 4: What is a Door?

I want to get better. I know that these thoughts are unusual. I wonder if they actually mean anything at all. I want to vocalize these thoughts but I know others will not fully understand the things I am saying, there have been times I have spoken and others have looked at me funny. I’m not even sure if what I’m saying has any application to the real world.

I learn how to get better. The information is endless. There is so much information online, so many different opinions, frameworks, perspectives, so many things to consider. My head is spinning and it has been spinning for so long I’m not sure how to make it stop, or if I’d even feel comfortable if it did stop at this point.

I watch how my mind processes each day. I’m trying to make sense of it all, but the more I try the more confusing it all gets. The more questions I ask, the more questions arise. I’m trying to seek something resembling the truth but the seeking never stops. Now the mind’s eye is always watching me. I’m already in so deep, I’m probably here forever. Everything must be considered, analyzed with firm scrutiny. It just can’t seem to make any sense. How is it possible that I am even experiencing anything at all? My body is resigned to three dimensions. Sometimes I can feel my body’s resistance to this.I want to break out. I want to jump out of my skin. Please set me free.

How do I stop asking “why?” Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?? Why??? WHY?? WHY?? WHY???

I am certain that is a door. I know that I am looking at a door. It’s an object right in front of me. Why is it called “door?” Door. Door. It has now lost all meaning. There is a door right in front of me and yet I am uncertain of what it really is. It’s in front of me. Me. I am me. I? Who am I? It’s all so confusing. How do you make sense of it?

You use doors to enter a room, or leave a room. That’s it! There’s a wall here! But you can’t walk through a wall! Door. That is what a door is for. And I am seeing it from across the room with my eyes. My eyes can see the door. I can use the door inside these three dimensions with my body that is inside of these three dimensions. How is all this possible? Am I actually seeing a door? Does God exist?

How does one function without a compulsion of analysis? I look in the mirror, and I rationally understand that it is me. But it does not feel that way. Is it really me in there? Why is it so hard to believe that the thing gazing back is actually me. Tell me there is proof that I actually exist. I know this cannot be it. I am begging to be real. A door allows you to walk through walls and I am certain that I have lost my mind.